littleplans

 i have shitty friends.

I can't even talk about it I'm so upset.

Everything is ruined and I don't know where to go.

It feels good to be home.

London and Paris were amazing and I decided to become a vegetarian after talking with my grandma about environmental issues. I mean I practically am anyway, but even chicken I don't really need to eat.  I'm just not sure about fish...Shrimp at least, I love seafood, but that's probably worse to eat than regular meat. Whatever.

Also I've been thinking about becoming a florist lately. I think it would be nice to own my own flower shop somewhere. It would be happy. I saw Slumdog Millionaire, The Reader, and Milk as well. All were EXCELLENT. But something that's been driving me crazy lately is people who breathe too loud, slurp, smack their gum...Sometimes I really think I have ultrasonic hearing and it's annoying.

These are some things I want to focus on doing this summer:

1. Learn French again.
2. Learn guitar.
3. Cut dresses...I know I've been saying this forever but I really want to.
4. Journal.
5. Spending good time with good friends and Jon and spending money wisely.
6. Take time to read the Herald Tribunes that my grandma sends me and a book or two every month. I would really like this.

Things are really solid with Jon now and I'm glad. I had my doubts but just coming home and seeing him made everything better. I feel like a giddy idiot whenever I see him and I know he does too...Even after all this time we (or I do, at least) get butterflies.  I'm glad things happened the way they did...Though I could have been more graceful, everything led us here and showed us we can overcome anything. I'm glad we got a fresh start, too. I know people have been doubtful, and that's fine. But I'm following my heart on this, I always have, but I know this is where I'm where I'm meant to be.

School is going well too. I want to spend more time with my sister and write my dad more often. I feel so clear headed and happy now, and driven, most importantly.

I'm holding myself together pretty well, but I feel like I'm missing something.

I'm laughing at life way too fucking much. But maybe that's how it's intended to be, is a huge fucking joke.

Things I need to do more of:
1. Set goals.
2. Study. Constantly.
3. Smile. Don't sound so monotonous.
4. Speak properly and have a point when I explain something.
5. Spend time with my family and do nice things for them.
6. Become more knowledgeable about current issues in the world.

Things I need to do less of:
1. Be a bitch.
2. Feel like I'm running out of time.
3. Myspace and facebook.
4. Quit being tired all the damn time.
5. Uh. FORGETTING.
6. Spend money I don't have.

I think it's funny that even in my dreams I'm ignoring you.

This is from my old LJ, January 26, 2007.

i really miss everything. i really miss when i slept over at the same person's house 3 days in a row and i ate those freeze pops and babysat mckenzie and hailey and my mom still drove me to the mall to let me pick out christmas presents and my dad used to give me bull rides. i miss sailing with my grandpa and learning about pirates in my tag class. i miss dressing myself because it's how i felt, not because of how i looked. i miss doing hand jocks with the black girls and playing school on the jump rope and arguing about who got to be baby spice when we dressed up like the spice girls. i miss knowing what made me happy and being able to talk to my mom. i miss drawing dress designs on my grandma's table in germany. i miss marco, and the awkwardness of not being able to talk to him because of a language barrier, but our grandmas always made us stand next to each other and take a picture any way. i miss snow. i miss my cat lily who was just as shy as i was. i miss building gingerbread houses and hating to take showers. i miss when my hair was greasy and not remembering what i looked like or thought of myself back then because i never looked in the mirror. i miss not knowing what pussy meant and not having to worry about bleeding onto the seat. i miss crushing on people just because they were cute. i miss being as tall as everyone else. i miss wanting to be an astronomer. i miss thinking that 10 bucks was worth a lifetime. i miss friends who used to fight with me about cheating at board games. i miss not understanding fractions and being the only girl who knew how to catch grasshoppers at recess. i miss playing with nano babies and giga pets and collecting beanie babies. i miss driving with my dad in his semi. i miss my star hat and my nascar shirts and my biker shorts and my suspenders and the only dress i ever wore was blue jean and came with stockings that had gumballs on them. i miss trying to make a rollerblading club and inviting all the neighborhood kids to come. i miss alex and ryan and kayla and vickie and sarah and katie and julietta and amanda and neal and not having a cell phone and thinking cd players were the coolest thing.

i miss feeling close to the world, and in control of my life.

This is for what I miss today:

I miss working at American Apparel when Dylan worked there. I miss the playlists, Vice magazine, looking at new clothes, floor fills, everything. I miss having school every day. I miss being close to my sister. I miss knowing what I did last week. I miss being close to Naty and Taylor. I miss last summer. I miss the feeling of graduating. I miss driving to Acworth Beach at night. I miss feeling content with what I had, instead of what I didn't. I miss my twin bed. I miss being able to go to sleep at a decent time. I miss liking hardcore music and all of my cats. I miss my fucking dad. I miss my brother, my grandfather, my grandparents, my aunt and uncle. I miss feeling like nothing was ever going to change (God I'm such a nostalgic wuss, I'm crying right now). I miss knowing what I wanted and where I was going. I miss not being insecure. I miss playing in the street and walking to the gas station. I miss not drinking and being comfortable with staying home on a Saturday night. I miss sleepovers. I miss feeling like I was right where I needed to be, instead of like I was missing out on something. I miss being able to conversate easily. I miss creative writing. I miss sewing and stencilling and skipping school and spending days instead of hours with Naty. I miss feeling smart. I still miss being as tall as everyone else. All in all, I miss feeling like I was good enough, or at least not ever worrying about it.

I miss feeling close to the world, and in control of my life.


But can all of this missing be replaced? Can I find something better, sort everything out? I don't want to feel like all I have left is that feeling.

I had a really good weekend. 
I'm so glad to know that there are so many more people that I just haven't met yet.

Sucking out the poison.
I just need to be myself, all the time, and I'll be alright.

I'm really just a waste of life.
I'm so uncomfortable with myself that I just want to tear my skin apart.

I need antidepressants, or something.
It's been two months since I've been happy.
I've been making an honest effort. I've been trying to meet new people, distract myself, read, go out, and nothing works.
So when is it okay for me to take them?


My head is killing me.

I'm getting out more. Today I went with Rachel and Katie's family to dinner at Vickery's and then to see Jesus Christ Superstar at the Alliance Theater. I was laughing the whole time and it was such a good time. I missed her a lot.

Last night I tried to go to College Night with someone but no one could go. I met up with Brandon at Starbucks for a bit and it was good catching up with him.  I felt really tired when I left but when I got home I was in a really creative mood and wanted to work on my journal.  I went over to Spencer's for a bit and worked on it while him, Mike, Dylan, and Mark played super smash. It felt good to make something again, and go through all of my pictures and papers. I wish I felt like that all the time. They thought the big black guy was in the backyard again so I went upstairs and went to sleep and tried not to freak out.  I had a dream that Christian Bale was my dad, but also the man of my dreams, I guess because I felt so safe.  He was holding me and swimming in a red sea with an end, a wall a few hundred yards out. We were swimming away from the shore and from an exploding city and I couldn't tell if the sea was red because of blood or something.  It was the strangest, most ironic and contradictory set of feelings I've ever had in a dream, overwhelmed with love and safety and fear and concern. It was amazing.  My subconscious has a great way of sorting out problems in my sleep.


This weekend was amazing but there are still those times when I don't feel quite there, alone in a crowded room, wanting to share these experiences with you rather than someone else and I don't know why.  But I figured you out, saw the situation for what it was (or what everyone else saw), and today was the first day in over a year that I didn't speak to you. I feel like I'm holding my breath, trying to force myself to the bottom of the deep end so I can push off and come back up.

Some things I've found that I like:

You don't miss the water till the well runs dry.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but fondness makes the absence longer.

I taught myself the only way to vaguely get along in love
Is to like the other slightly less than you get in return
I keep feeling like I'm being undercut

And really that's what worries me
I feel like I should hurt

You feel terrified at the thought of being left behind
Of losing everybody, the necessity of dying
Oh, we kid ourselves there's future in the fucking,
But there is no fucking future
I'm just practising my accents, picking at old sutures


I seriously feel like there's a hole in my head, leaking information from my brain into oblivion. I'm afraid to tell my parents because we don't have good medical insurance right now but I really want it to be fixed.

The insomnia's back but I feel better.
Tomorrow I'm going to be productive.
I'm putting some pieces back together, but changing and making some new pieces of my own.

Tonight me Grace and Yana went to Dacula for a local show. The bands were really great. We met a ton of new people...a lot of people's names I can't remember, but it was just good to be reminded that there's a lot more than we know about.  We went downtown to Evan's house and just sat around and talked with everyone, and it just felt good to be doing something new.

I'm still trying to get past the point of having frengers (not quit friends but not quite strangers) and bringing them into the friend range. I still need to work on how I fare with groups of people, especially girls...maybe because they're younger or something. Still, I'm doing well.


Also, tonight was the last night I talk shit about anyone. So. Yeah!

 Fuck Mel just shut the fuck up and go away. Go live somewhere else.

Three questions:

What about your personality would make you want to be friends with yourself? To not be friends with yourself?


What makes you care about a person?

Yeah, it'll come when it doesn't matter, but not enough time has gone by for it to not matter forever.

Movies I've seen that I really enjoy:

Wristcutters: A Love Story
Me and You and Everyone We Know
A Scanner Darkly
Dan In Real Life
Sex and the City 
The Fall
Trainspotting (not so much enjoy but it was good)

Today was the first normal day I've had in 2 months.
I woke up around 11 instead of late. Well, that is late, but it's a start.
I ate lunch at 2, instead of skipping a meal and heading straight for dinner.
I read, for 4 hours.
I've been by myself all day. I watched Wristcutters and thought it was pretty ironic.
I feel nostalgic and numb but at least I can be by myself and not have a panic attack.


Tomorrow should be fun. Sunday I want to study, even though I have nothing to study for, and get some school things straightened out.

There's this quote though, from the movie:

"It'll come when it doesn't matter."

Can we talk about how true this is?

I don't feel better.
I woke up this morning and the first thought going through my head was, "Fuck, I'm still alive."

So apparently I have some purpose here, or I'm just an idiot.

I wish you didn't have a girlfriend. I wish all the guys I was interested in at one point didn't have a girlfriend.
I'm not going to let myself go through that kind of torment again.

I can't tell things apart from my dreams and what really happened last night, what I really said.
And why am I feeling so god damn hopeful again?
I wish my heart would just give the fuck up already.

I take it back.
I'm not crazy, I've just been hurt.
It's 12:54 a.m. and I am dead tired.
All of my school reading is done, and I'm midway into New Moon.
After tomorrow I'm going to be hemming dresses and setting up an eBay account to get this started.
I thought about applying to become a cake decorator, baker, or produce team member at Target.
I just want free time in the summer, so I'll have to see how well the eBay thing works out first.



You're slowly slipping away and I'm not trying to grasp on any more.

I need to be committed.
I am fucking crazy.


I just want to sleep away the next two weeks.

Friday
I went down to State to get a textbook and then stopped by Ragorama and got some clothes. I went by Spencer's and then to meet Grace and Nicole at Chipotle. We went back to Grace's to watch A Scanner Darkly, then Spencer stopped by and after the movie I went home.

Saturday
I went to Ragorama with Nicole and Grace, then ran by my house, then to pick up Dylan and Spencer. It was raining and we got into a fender bender and then the people called the police and made everything take 10x longer than was necessary.  We finally got to Michelle's party when it was over, then headed over to Mark's friend's house and sat around and talked to everyone for a bit. I drove Nicole's back to Grace's and then went home.


I've been so up and down about everything lately. Paul lost his job and I've been growing even more distant from my family. I'm always either out or in my room and I'm so forgetful I blow off plans at times. I've been up and down to the situation with Jon. I feel crazy. Naty's probably going into the navy and I cried. I feel so alone. I feel like I need more friends, more people who get me and understand me but that's so difficult. I haven't gone to bed at a decent hour in the past month. I feel like I've lost more than gained in the past year and the year so far.